My Story: Marshall Adler

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Hello, my name is Marshall Adler.

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I want to thank you so much for listening to our show.

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I want to invite you to join me and my good friend and cohost Steve Smelski

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and our journey of Hope thru Grief.

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After my 32 year old son, Matt passed away.

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I knew I was on a journey.

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I never thought I would ever take.

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Although this is a journey, no one ever wants to experience.

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It has taught me some amazing life lessons of loss, survival and redemption.

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You will hear incredible stories of amazing people that could

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change your life forever.

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One of these amazing people I want to tell you about is my son, Matthew Adler.

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So Steve, again, if you could say hi to everybody,

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hello everybody.

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So I thought I would just ask you a, a question about Matt.

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Can you tell us all about Matt?

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Absolutely.

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Steve, I know you and I have been on this journey together because we've

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both lost our sons, but obviously losing a son is an individual journey that

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every father has to take on his own.

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And my son, Matt obviously was a huge part of my life in life and it's now

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a huge part of my life in his death.

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He was an incredible human being who may not have had the gift of longevity,

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but he put enormous amount of love and humanity in the 32 years that he was.

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On this planet, his whole life was really based on helping others.

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When he was in grade school at a very young age, he was called the comforter.

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Why?

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Because all the teachers saw that whenever another student was having difficulty sad.

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Depressed being bullied.

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Matt would always go over and help that person.

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He was awarded in high school, the American Legion Citizenship award,

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because he just continued throughout his school years, helping people.

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His nickname that we called him was Mahatma like Mahatma

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Gandhi, which means great soul.

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And I always believed that he had a great soul and Matt was an incredibly

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artistic person, interested in literature, in movies and books and music.

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And I know that one quote he always liked was I think from Walt Whitman

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and Walt Whitman made a comment that

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society needs people made out of steel and velvet by that he meant we need people

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that are tough enough to deal with the difficult issues of life, but also kind

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and gentle to help those less fortunate.

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And I think Matt absolutely did that.

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The thing about Matt, though, for all of his good work that he did.

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I was amazed how he never liked, when people would mention what incredible

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job he did on some aspect of his life.

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He just never liked to have the spotlight of praise on him.

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And it sorta reminds me of a great quote from Will Rogers

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that I also told Matt years ago.

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Will Rogers the great American humorist had a great quote that I think when

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something like this, that if he gets somebody else to blow your horn,

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the sound will travel twice as far.

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Matt never blew his own horn and didn't like other people doing it.

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But when they did, the sound did travel twice as far because they know

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it really meant something that really affected people in a positive manner.

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And the one quick story that I like to tell about his school days concerned a

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day where his school indicated that a very famous person was going to come to his

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school and the school needed an ambassador to take this famous person around.

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And what happened is that Matt was chosen by the school to be that person.

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And after he spent the day with his famous person, he came home

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and I asked him, how was it?

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He goes, Oh, it was real interesting.

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And I go, that's it.

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You don't have anything else to tell him?

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He goes, no, it was extremely interesting.

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I really enjoyed it.

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And they sort of went on his way later that night, we got a call from

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the school saying that this famous person was so impressed by Matt,

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that they wanted authorization to give our home address to this person.

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So he could write a letter after Matt passed away I found the

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letter in his personal effects.

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And I actually was so incredibly moved by this and the person that wrote the

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letter, the famous person that Matt became very close with was Fred Rogers of Mr.

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Rogers Neighborhood, obviously anybody's ever watched PBS.

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Any child knows that Fred Rogers was one of the nicest human beings on the planet.

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And I think it is a great testament to Matt's life being well led based

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on the fact that Fred Roger felt he needed to write this letter to

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Matt, which I want to read to you.

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It goes on and quoting.

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Dear Matt, thank you so very much for your kindness to the Rogers family.

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You, by your sensitive guidance through the school, allowed us to have

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a most wonderful, memorable visit.

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I wish you every blessing in your life as you continue to work on a

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goal of helping others and all kinds of children throughout your life,

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you have such a beautiful spirit sharing that with others will be an

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enormous contribution to our society.

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Again, our thanks for giving such a thoughtful and wonderful tour

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of your wonderful school or your wonderful school, your real neighbor,

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Fred Rogers.

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When I read this, after Matt passed away, I actually was so struck because

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I forgot that it was even in there.

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And I forgot about the whole day that Matt spent with Mr.

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Rogers and he actually stayed in touch with Mr.

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Rogers through his life.

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And looking back now really just gave me a sense of peace and contentment,

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because obviously it was not just my biased view that my son had

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this incredible effect on people.

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It was the view of one of the greatest humanitarians of our lifetime, Fred

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Rogers, that he felt the same way.

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So after reading this letter, after Matt passed away, it

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truly, truly meant a lot to me.

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And the effect on me really sort of is one of the reasons why we are doing this

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show today, because I just felt that it was now my obligation to continue

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the work of helping people that Matt did in his lifetime, that he could

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no longer do, because he's not here.

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I've tried to live up to that goal and I hope Matt is proud

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of me for what I am doing.

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What I'd like to talk about now is how Matt's life unfolded.

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After he left high school, he always wanted to be a movie director.

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Matt had a encyclopedic knowledge of movie trivia, instead of googling any

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type of question I had about a director or producer or who won the best movie in

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1957, I would just call Matt and he always knew the answer and he always was right.

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He was just incredible.

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So he had the desire to always go to California.

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To try to start his movie career and he was fortunate enough in the

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last three years of his life to actually live in Southern California.

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He went to film school here in Florida.

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Then he continued his education in California, and it was the

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happiest, most productive, most gratifying time of his life.

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And the reason I'm telling you this is that he came back

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to Orlando in July of 2018.

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The reason he did that was that my mother, Matt's grandmother, was dying.

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She was in hospice and Matt flew in from San Diego to say goodbye

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to my mother, his grandmother.

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Never in a million years.

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Did we ever have any inkling that we were not only saying goodbye to my grandmother,

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but we were saying goodbye to Matt, because that was the last time we saw him.

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We had a wonderful time with Matt.

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He saw a lot of his old friends.

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He spent a lot of time with his family, it was just one of the best four or

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five days that we had spent together.

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And what happened is he had to go back to San Diego for some work

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obligations, and he knew that he'd have to be flying back to Orlando because

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my mother was going to pass away and he'd come back for the funeral.

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Again, never did we ever think that he would pass away before my mother did.

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On the morning that he left, I drove him to the airport and I told him how

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proud I was of him, because he had formed this incredible life that allowed

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him to do things that he wanted to do professionally but also from a personal

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standpoint, he had a lot of good friends.

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He had a lot of good relationships that were with wonderful

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people and he was really happy.

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And I told him as a parent, it just meant so much for me to see my son so happy.

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And he told me something he said that he learned that it's not

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what happens to you in life.

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It's how you handle it.

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And he felt that this was the happiest time of his life.

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He was looking forward to his movie career.

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He really enjoyed his living in California and he couldn't wait for the future.

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If this was a Hollywood movie, that's where the director would have said cut.

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And they would have said, well, that's a Hollywood ending.

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This young man is going to go and win an Academy Award because he's

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got all these great attributes that are going to flourish, and he's going

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to have this long, wonderful life.

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Matt being the movie connoisseur, that he was always told me that he was not

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a huge fan of Hollywood endings because they didn't show the reality of what

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would happen if you kept the film rolling.

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Unfortunately, many Hollywood endings.

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If you keep the film rolling show, tragedy, illness, suffering, and death.

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And Matt knew that the great directors would show that because

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it is part of the human experience.

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So if you took the fact that this was a Hollywood ending, when we hugged each

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other at the airport and said, see you soon, if the director said, cut, say,

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well, wow, what a great movie that was, but Matt, wouldn't be satisfied with that.

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He said, it's not true to life and true words and ever spoken because

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13 days later, Matt passed away and there was the last time I ever saw him.

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And I think that that is something that has been a lesson to me because you

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realize life has twists and turns has many things that you can control and

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losing Matt was obviously something we could not control, but it's given us the

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opportunity to go forward, live the best life we can help as many people as we can

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as a tribute to man, that what happened next is sort of almost unbelievable in

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the sense that we were at the funeral home, picking out Matt's headstone.

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When I got the call that my mother had passed away.

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And if it wasn't so serious, I would look at this almost like a black comedy movie

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that was happening to somebody else.

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And I was stunned, but I knew my mother's death was coming, but I

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didn't think it would be literally while we were at the funeral home,

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picking out Matt's headstone.

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So what happened after that?

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We had to continue on and go to Matt's grave site to see where he was going

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to be laid to rest, which actually was close to my parents and right there.

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And then I knew we had to make a decision from the standpoint of where

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do we go forward after losing our son, Matt, and what we decided to do.

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Is that we decided to make sure to live our life as productive and as meaningful

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as possible as a tribute to Matt, I know that grief can be overwhelming and some

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people literally become the walking dead.

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But by that, I mean, they're living, but they're not living.

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The grief is so overpowering that they can't function to lead

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a productive meanifull life.

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And I knew that Matt would not want his passing to result in that.

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He'd want us to live the best life we could even though he wasn't here.

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And that is something that we decided to do together.

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And one of the huge factors that has helped us through our grief process

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is my co-host Steve, because after Matt passed away, We knew we could not

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go through this process on our own.

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And we were able to join Grief Share, which was run by Steve and his

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wonderful wife, Shelly, we started Grief Share literally just two or

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three weeks after Matt passed away.

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And it really was a godsend because it gave us support and a templates

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to have our journey of grief result in a productive, meaningful life.

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So, so Steve, I can't thank you enough for helping us with that process.

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You're welcome.

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It was actually a privilege for us to get to hear about yours and

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Debbie's journey and the story of Matt and what Matt is like.

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So it was a great pleasure for us to get to know both of you and to hear the

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stories about mat, which make us smile.

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So tell us how, how have you dealt with your grief?

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Well, It's it's interesting because I've told many

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people the comment that you made at the first meeting when we first met you.

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And I thought this was so relevant.

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You started out by asking the people of Grief Share.

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Well, obviously they're because they lost a loved one.

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How many courses they had taken in the study of grief?

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And obviously everybody looked around and the answer was nobody

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ever took a course in grief.

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Why in the world would anybody want to do that?

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You wouldn't, accept when you do lose a loved one and you are in grief.

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You're totally unprepared for what it's going to happen to you.

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So I look at that and realize I will be learning about

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grief for the rest of my life.

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And I knew that we had to meet it head on.

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And Debbie Matt's mother, my wife had a great comment that she didn't

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make till about a year after Matt's passing that she knew that grief

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was always going to be in our house.

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It was never going to go away.

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It's not here 24/7, but she decided that she had to make friends with it.

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It was not leaving our house.

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It was going to be there.

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And we could either fight it in a battle, they would not be productive

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for a happy life or acknowledges existence try to make the most of it.

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So what we did is we decided to take grief head-on and we had

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so many people who had lost.

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loved ones in general and children in particular to reach out to us.

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Before we lost Matt, I always thought that losing a child was the worst

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thing that happened to anybody.

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I had firsthand experience in the sense that my parents lost two sons.

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One was younger than me.

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One was older than me.

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I was too young to have any memory.

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But my mother grieved from losing two sons till the day she died.

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So having people that had lost loved ones in general and children in particular

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was very instructive as to how we were going to deal with grief head-on and

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of all the people that we dealt with, the one that really resonated with me

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more than any other was my Aunt Eve.

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Her youngest son, Jeffrey was a brilliant medical doctor.

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He was one of the top ophthalmologists researching

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macular degeneration in the world.

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At age 37, he came down with stomach cancer, it took his life.

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The nature of stomach cancer is it's generally fatal and extremely painful.

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And my Aunt Eve called me after Matt's passing and told

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me a story that I never heard.

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She said that she was at her sons bedside holding his hand, Jeff

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was a fighter and he was trying to fight this stomach cancer.

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And she knew it was a battle he couldn't win.

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So when he passed, she said that it gave her comfort that he was no longer in

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pain and she realized that he was a gift from God for 37 years, that it was his

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time and this was something that she nor anybody else on this planet could change.

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And what you told me is that one day I would understand

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that Matt is no longer in pain.

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And that he was a gift from God for 32 years.

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And there was nobody on this planet could change the lack

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of longevity that Matt had.

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And that was very comforting to me because I realized that my cousin, Jeff helped

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so many people in his 37 years of life.

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And Matt helps so many people in his 32 years of life.

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So neither one of these two incredible people had the gift of longevity, but

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they had the gift of helping humanity.

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And in the big picture that has helped me get through the grief process.

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And I'll, I'll just say this, our, our rabbi had a interesting comment that I

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never knew until after Matt passed away.

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What he told me is that generally when a baby's born, everybody

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is really happy, smiling.

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And when somebody passes away, people, tears of sorrow, he said the

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Jewish religion actually flips that.

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I never knew this.

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He said that in the Jewish religion, the tenants actually are to have tears of

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sorrow when a baby is born, because you know, they're going to be difficulties.

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You know, there's going to be tragedy.

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You know, there's going to be sadness.

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You know, there's going to be difficult is that you can't protect the child

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from, and when somebody passes on.

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You should actually have a smile, a happiness, that there are no longer

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in pain, no longer subject to tragedy and all the good things that they

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did are now in the book of life.

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And there's old saying that may their memory be a blessing,

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and I will tell you that.

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Matt's memory is a blessing.

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So to answer your question, Steve, that is how we dealt with grief.

Steve Smelski: 00:27:36

Marshall, thanks for sharing that.

Steve Smelski: 00:27:37

I know how difficult it is to, to walk through the discussion about it.

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So I've heard a little bit of this story.

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Tell us the story about your trip to Israel?

Marshall Adler: 00:27:52

Israel was a place that I always wanted to see at some

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time in my life, I never thought it would be under this circumstance.

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But what we decided to do is in the Jewish religion, on the

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anniversary of a loved one's death, it's called a Yahrzeit candle.

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You light a candle that burns for 24 hours and attribute to that person.

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And Debbie and I decided that we were going to go to Israel to honor our son by

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lighting his Yahrzeit candle in Israel.

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And what we did is we made a trip that was amazing in many different

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ways and the biggest effect on me.

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We went to the wailing wall, which is the Western Wall of

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the second temple in Jerusalem.

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It's the part of the old city that many people have seen on TV.

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It's the most Holy place of the Jewish religion and people from around the world.

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Jews, Gentiles, Muslims, atheists, Buddhists.

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Any religion or no religion at all, go there and put notes into the wall.

Marshall Adler: 00:29:17

And these prayer notes are kept in the wall.

Marshall Adler: 00:29:25

And I believe that they're actually rounded up periodically and taken and

Marshall Adler: 00:29:30

buried in the Mount of Olives, which is obviously biblical significance.

Marshall Adler: 00:29:36

So what we did is we went to Israel and we put a prayer note for my son,

Marshall Adler: 00:29:45

Matt, for my father who passed away 2012 for my mother who passed away two

Marshall Adler: 00:29:54

days after Matt and to my good friend from childhood over 50 years, Ted who

Marshall Adler: 00:30:03

passed away a few weeks after Matt.

Marshall Adler: 00:30:05

And there was a synergy and a contentment that I had writing these

Marshall Adler: 00:30:16

prayer notes for Matt, my mother, my father, and my best friend of 50 years.

Marshall Adler: 00:30:21

Cause they all knew each other and they all loved each other.

Marshall Adler: 00:30:25

And I felt that it was very significant that I was putting these four people

Marshall Adler: 00:30:35

together in prayer notes in the Western Wall where people for thousands of

Marshall Adler: 00:30:43

years have been coming to make a tribute to the lost, loved ones.

Marshall Adler: 00:30:49

And as I was standing at the wall, I realized that thousands of years

Marshall Adler: 00:30:56

people have been doing what I'm doing.

Marshall Adler: 00:30:59

And I sort of realized that the key aspect of someone's life.

Marshall Adler: 00:31:08

Again, it's not the quantity, it's the quality because of all these people

Marshall Adler: 00:31:14

that had come before me for these thousands of years, putting prayer

Marshall Adler: 00:31:19

notes into the Western Wall had lives that were too short, whether it was

Marshall Adler: 00:31:29

somebody who lived in their nineties.

Marshall Adler: 00:31:31

Like my parents or somebody that, that passed away at 32, like Matt life

Marshall Adler: 00:31:38

for someone you love is too short.

Marshall Adler: 00:31:40

But the reality is that applies to all of us.

Marshall Adler: 00:31:44

And all we can do with the time we have is make the most of it.

Marshall Adler: 00:31:50

And by seeing the history of people who tried to make the world a

Marshall Adler: 00:32:01

better place and had their loved ones come to the Western Wall.

Marshall Adler: 00:32:06

Like I was doing, I felt like I was in a continuum of humanity that I was proud

Marshall Adler: 00:32:15

that Matt and my parents and my friend Ted were a part of, so it really helped

Marshall Adler: 00:32:23

me through the grieving process, realizing after I've come and gone from this planet.

Marshall Adler: 00:32:35

Somebody might be standing right here a thousand years in the future who lost a

Marshall Adler: 00:32:41

child and felt the same way that he was thankful of the good work that his child

Marshall Adler: 00:32:51

had done while they were on this earth.

Marshall Adler: 00:32:55

So I felt like I was just a part of a bigger story and that Matt and my

Marshall Adler: 00:33:03

parents and my friend Ted made the most of the time they had on this

Marshall Adler: 00:33:09

planet and the end of the day, that's all any of us can do because we're

Marshall Adler: 00:33:15

all going to be there at some time.

Marshall Adler: 00:33:19

So I really had a sense of contentment and peace that surprised me and what we did

Marshall Adler: 00:33:29

after going to Jerusalem, we went to Tel Aviv, which is on the Mediterranean Sea.

Marshall Adler: 00:33:40

And we actually lit Matt's Yahrzeit candle on the beach, looking out onto the

Marshall Adler: 00:33:49

Mediterranean ocean and it was moving.

Marshall Adler: 00:33:57

And it again, just made me realize that we're just a small part of

Marshall Adler: 00:34:07

the history of the human race, because people have been coming here

Marshall Adler: 00:34:13

for thousands of years, lighting Yahrzeit candle for their loved ones.

Marshall Adler: 00:34:19

And I felt proud of what Matt did during his time on this planet.

Marshall Adler: 00:34:28

So the trip to Israel gave me an enormous sense of peace and contentment that my

Marshall Adler: 00:34:39

family was part of a bigger legacy of service to humanity and Matt wrote a

Marshall Adler: 00:34:49

beautiful story to help achieve that goal.

Steve Smelski: 00:34:53

Marshall, thank you for sharing Matt's story

Steve Smelski: 00:34:56

and yours and Debbie's story.

Steve Smelski: 00:34:58

You've added a few things that I hadn't heard before, and that

Steve Smelski: 00:35:03

was beautiful tribute to Matt.

Steve Smelski: 00:35:05

So thank you.

Marshall Adler: 00:35:07

Well, Steve, again, you have been such a help to us because you

Marshall Adler: 00:35:13

and Shelly have been such a exemplary couple as to how you've lived your lives.

Marshall Adler: 00:35:27

We love you guys, respect you guys and are amazed how you've handled your

Marshall Adler: 00:35:34

life with grace, kindness, empathy.

Marshall Adler: 00:35:39

And as I mentioned at the end of the day, what else is there?

Marshall Adler: 00:35:46

Everything else is just fluff after that, because we're all here short time, we

Marshall Adler: 00:35:54

got to make it a good time for ourselves, our loved ones and for humanity.

Marshall Adler: 00:36:00

And you've absolutely done that.

Marshall Adler: 00:36:01

And I believe that Matt did that.

Marshall Adler: 00:36:04

My parents, my friend, Ted, and I want to take their good work and

Marshall Adler: 00:36:14

continue it in my life for as long as I can, because they're not here.

Marshall Adler: 00:36:18

So I hope today's discussion was helpful.

Marshall Adler: 00:36:26

And as we go through this journey together of Hope thru Grief, we

Marshall Adler: 00:36:32

are going to be telling stories that are helpful to anybody who's

Marshall Adler: 00:36:38

going through the grief process.

Marshall Adler: 00:36:40

So again, I like to thank you so much for listening and we will talk to you soon.

Marshall Adler: 00:36:47

Thank you.

Steve Smelski: 00:36:48

Thank you.

Steve Smelski: 00:36:48

And have a good day.

Steve Smelski: 00:36:52

Thank you for joining us on Hope Thru Grief with your cohost

Steve Smelski: 00:36:55

Marshall Adler and Steve Smelski

Marshall Adler: 00:36:58

We hope our episode today was helpful and informative.

Marshall Adler: 00:37:03

Since we are not medical or mental health professionals.

Marshall Adler: 00:37:07

We cannot and will not provide any medical, psychological,

Marshall Adler: 00:37:12

or mental health advice.

Marshall Adler: 00:37:14

Therefore, if you or anyone, you know, requires medical or mental health

Marshall Adler: 00:37:19

treatment, please contact a medical or mental health professional immediately.